Make a Note of It

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, as always, but this morning was the first time I felt the urge to write something down. Although I've read and heard a lot about people keeping a Book of Shadows, I haven't felt a pull toward keeping one for myself. I just haven't been at the point of a commitment yet, and keeping a book sounds very much like a commitment to me.

However, as I was reading about Celtic traditions this morning, I came across a listing for the names of the full moons. I have a strong connection with the moon and night, and as I was reading the list I felt a desire to write these names down. Even as the thought passed through my mind that I could simply look them up online or enter these into a word document or notepad, the need for a book to write them in pressed more firmly on my mind. Thus my own book has been born...not necessarily a Book of Shadows, but a book of notes that may one day lead to that. Or it may remain a book of notes on nature or history that I keep with me. Either way, I feel even more firmly that I have begun.

Loving the Questions

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."
— Rainer Maria Rilke

Sometimes it's very difficult to be a seeker, rather than a knower. I have been seeking for nearly a decade, at once a long time and an instant. There are times when I think that it is time to grow up, that being an adult means knowing. There are other times when I allow myself to revel in the not-knowing, the wonder of experiencing something without truly understanding the minutia involved. Part of my attraction to religions other than the one in which I grew up is their newness, the adventure of living them for the first time.

I worry that I am only looking for the newness, and not the understanding or longevity.I worry about the example I set for my children, and the time when my family and friends will lose patience with my journey. I worry about reaching the journey's end before I feel finished and settled. I worry that I won't be taken seriously, and that I'm not taking myself or any faith path seriously enough, either. 

And so I start down this new twist in the road tentatively, almost fearfully, and very inquisitively. I want to know, to understand, to feel, to see, to experience all there is to experience, but mostly just to know. And yet, I need to love the questions first. Perhaps this time of questioning will only end when I'm ready for it not to end yet.

Finding Peace

This morning I sat on my porch repotting flowers and listening to the pitter-patter of a soft rain. It was mostly quiet, with the exception of some cars driving by and a few bird calls. Blue jays remind me of spending time at my grandmother's, who had an amazing yard that attracted all sorts of birds. They continue to lighten my heart whenever I hear them.

Isn't rain an amazing thing? Just the sound is cleansing to the soul. The scent refreshes me, and the feel of the drops falling on my skin washes away any worries I have for a moment. It is a gift to the earth, soaking into the ground and renewing the plants after wilting summer afternoons. It can be powerful or gentle, angry or calm, cold or warm. Sometimes I feel the rain responding to my own experience, other times it lifts me up out of myself and into the greater experience around me. As much as I love the sun, I also love the rain.

Loving the Earth

I have always loved the earth. I feel at my best when I am out among the trees, soaking in their life through the sunlight filtering down through their leaves in a green glow. I am at peace by mountain streams, and my heart swells when I hear birdsong or see the rising full moon. As I grew up, I was taught that I should appreciate nature, but be sure not to worship it, because only God was worthy of worship. It seemed that some people were uncomfortable with the thought of worshipping among the trees or by a lake, unless it was an organized activity.

This never set well with me. I felt that I was as close to God through the delicate beauty of a flower as in a church service, frequently much more so. I struggled with the many rules, the imposed guilt from birth on, the intolerance for others living their lives. For a time I fought within myself and tried to live a "right life" by that path, but as I went through darker times in my life, I felt less and less in tune with that way of thinking. 

As I listened to more people around me, I found that not everyone felt the same way in their understanding of the universe. Not everyone fit into any one religion, or any religion at all. Many religions seemed to share threads of morality or mythologies. For a time I rejected all religions, all beliefs, and any higher power. I believed in logic and rationality. I believed in science.

I found that this belief did not answer the needs in my soul, the yearning for something more, something in which to truly believe. I still believe in logic and science, but I also believe just as Hamlet, 

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." 

--Hamlet, I.v.186-87

Since that time, I have searched for something that would resonate within me. Something that would allow for my need to direct myself without so many rules and regulations, something that would allow deep respect and kinship with nature, rather than a misplaced dominion over it. Something that answers my I feel something greater than myself around me. Something that would allow me to take joy in all that is around me, and let that joy infuse my life.

I may have found that something  in the nature religions. I can't say that all paths resonate, or that all within a single path resonates...but that is part of the draw. I am not called to follow all tenets of an institutional religion, but to listen to what calls inside me. I am still working to understand and follow that call, but this is one path of several that is calling to me. May I one day find assurance of the path, if there is just one. If not, may I follow the path of learning and acceptance.

A Fresh Start

Today is a new day. Not because I'm making any changes, but because the possibilities are there.

Every day I can seek a new path, find a new way of looking at things, listen to a new perspective, meet someone new. Today I am listening to my heart rather than my head, and starting this blog is a way of putting that out there for the world, or just for me.

This may not be the right path for me. I may learn what I can, and take with me what is right for me, leaving much that doesn't resonate. But today, I am open to learning. Tomorrow will be left for itself.

If you're a seeker, like I am, welcome! Maybe we will travel this path together for a while. If you are certain of yourself, feel free to share with me why that is, and how you came to that understanding. Perhaps it will help me in the future.

For now, though, I am reveling in today.